Catherine, Princess of Wales, has been diagnosed with cancer and has begun preventive chemotherapy, she announced in a video on Friday.
“It’s been an incredibly difficult couple of months for our whole family,” Catherine said in the video. She said it took time to recover from surgery to begin treatment for her cancer. “But more importantly, it took us time to explain everything to George, Charlotte and Louis in a way that worked for them and reassure them that I would be OK,” he added.
Conversations like the ones Kathryn had with her children are some of the most important and delicate conversations parents can have, according to Kathy Hirsch-Pasek, a professor of psychology at Temple University and a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution.
Children, especially younger children, look to their parents as a rock, she said. If something disrupts that stability — “even if it’s a manageable cancer — in a child’s ears, wow, that’s scary.”
Dr. Hirsh-Pasek recommended explaining that “there are going to be times when mom doesn’t feel as well as other times, but she’s going to be there for you and she’s going to be there for you.”
But, he clarified, “I’m not saying you’re lying.” Children are very observant, said Dr. Hirsh-Pasek. “If you’re hiding something, kids know you’re hiding something.”
These conversations naturally cause stress and pain for parents, said Hadley Maya, a clinical social worker at the Young Start Colorectal and Gastrointestinal Cancer Center at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.
“We try to help parents understand that having these conversations with your child in an honest way can help the child cope and help him feel that he is not alone with his feelings, his worries and his imagination,” he said. Often, a child imagines something worse than what happens.
The word cancer “doesn’t often scare them like we do as adults,” added Maya, who also helps coordinate Memorial Sloan Kettering’s Talking to Kids Cancer program. “Not knowing scares them more.”
Parents may also worry about a child seeing them cry. But there’s nothing wrong with showing vulnerability, said both Drs. Hirsh-Pasek and Ms. Maya. It’s an opportunity for parents to show that it’s okay to not feel well, to express feelings and ask for help.
Discussions about serious illness may be significantly different than they were a few years ago, said Dr. Hirsh-Pasek, because many children lived through and remember the coronavirus pandemic. This doesn’t mean conversations are easier, but children may be more aware of what it means to be very sick.
This also means that explaining cancer is more important than ever. Ms. Maya recommends focusing on three “Cs”: conception, cause, and cancer. Explain that cancer is not contagious and that they can still hug their parents and share food. Tell children that they didn’t cause the cancer or any of the circumstances surrounding it (which is a common idea, especially among young children, she said). And be clear that the disease is called cancer – not “boo-boo” or disease.
Let your child take the lead in some conversations, Ms. Maya said. Give them a chance to ask questions and acknowledge “that while you may not have all the answers, you will try to figure it out and get back to them.”
In her statement, Catherine shared some of what she told her children: “As I’ve told them, I’m fine and I’m getting stronger every day, focusing on the things that will help me heal. in my mind, body and spirits.”
This kind of language reassures children, said Dr. Hirsh-Pasek, and shows them how we can move beyond things that are difficult.
“I wouldn’t use these kinds of opportunities to discuss death and dying,” Dr. Hirsch-Pasek said. “I would use these opportunities to discuss life and living.”
