Yuxin Sun, a psychologist in Seattle, sees many clients in her group practice who insist they are not perfectionists. “Oh, I’m not perfect. I’m far from perfect,” they tell her.
But perfectionism isn’t about being the best at any pursuit, Dr. Sun said, “it’s the feeling of never getting to that place, never feeling good enough, never feeling adequate.” And this can create a harsh inner voice that belittles and punishes us.
Perfectionism is so pervasive that there is a test to measure it: the Multidimensional Perfection Scale. When the researchers looked at how college students responded to the scale’s questions over time, they found that perfectionism rates increased in recent decades, soaring between 2006 and 2022.
Thomas Curran, an associate professor of psychology at the London School of Economics and Political Science who led the analysis, said the type of perfectionism with the steepest rise – socially prescribed perfectionism – was rooted in the belief that others I expect you to be perfect. Today’s youth is more likely to score much higher on this measure than someone who took the test decades ago. There could be many reasons for the rise: rising parental expectations, school pressures, the ubiquity of social media influencers and advertising.
Feeling like I’m not good enough or that “my current life circumstances are insufficient or inadequate” has created a “relentless corridor,” Dr. Curran said, where “there’s no joy in success and a lot of self-criticism.”
Regardless of whether you consider yourself a perfectionist, experts say there are many small things you can try to keep your inner critic in check.
Take some distance from your thoughts.
Ethan Cross, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan and author of “Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why it Matters and How to Harness It,” said a process called distancing is his “first line of defense” against negativity . thoughts.
Distancing is a way of shrinking our internal chatter in order to deal with it differently. If you’re agonizing over something in the middle of the night, for example, that’s a cue to “jump into the mental time travel machine,” he said.
Start by imagining, “How will you feel about this tomorrow morning?” Anxieties often seem less severe in the light of day.
The time period could also be further into the future. Will the fact that you stumbled a few times during your big presentation today really matter three months from now?
Another way to practice detachment is to avoid first-person language when thinking about something that upsets you.
Instead of saying: “I can’t believe I made this mistake. It was so stupid of me” one can gain a new perspective by saying: “Christina, you were wrong. You feel bad about it now. But you’re not going to feel this way forever. And your mistake is something that has happened to many other people.”
In the research of Dr. Cross found that when people used the word “you” or their name instead of “I” and began observing their emotions as if they were an impartial observer, “it was like flipping a switch.” It resulted in an internal dialogue that was more constructive and positive than that of people talking to themselves in the first person. Some studies have reported similar benefits from assuming a more detached view.
Accept what is good enough.
Dr. Curran, who writes about his own struggles in his book “The Perfection Trap,” explained that he has worked to embrace “good enough” over perfectionism and the accompanying negative thoughts.
With perfectionism, you may feel like nothing is ever “enough.” Accepting what is “good enough” requires letting go, Dr. Curran said. Working nights, weekends and holidays had become part of his identity, but after the birth of his son he reduced his hours, which became “liberating”.
His decisions in the past were driven by an agonizing need to better himself, he added. Now, when he thinks about how to spend his time, he tries to focus on things that bring him joy, purpose and meaning.
It’s a philosophy shared by Canadian physician and trauma specialist Dr. Gabor Maté, who said in a recent podcast that a sense of being legitimate or worthy must come from within, lest people “sacrifice their play, their joy” for external validation. .
Practice self-compassion.
In general, perfectionism is usually a survival strategy—it’s “like a suit of armor you wear” to feel less vulnerable, Dr. Sun said. So don’t criticize yourself for having perfectionist tendencies, she added.
But if that armor is weighing you down, maybe it’s time to thank your perfectionism for its service and move on, like home organizer Marie Kondo does when she sheds her belongings, Dr. Sun said.
“Maybe you can get the hands out first,” he said, then work to get the metaphorical legs out. You may want to seek out a mental health professional to help you with the process.
“A lot of times I work with people on building that inner security,” which is the ability to give yourself the validation you need to feel calm and peaceful, Dr. Sun said, so that one day they can say to themselves: I accept as I am today, in relation to the way I am ‘supposed’ to be’.
