Hi, may I ask you something; Just between me and you?
Yes, shoot.
I don’t really get this Super Bowl thing.
You do not understand the Super Bowl? The ubiquitous event that overshadows every other American entertainment option? The seasonal highlight of a sport woven deep into the rich tapestry of a mighty country?
Shhh! I don’t want everyone to know!
Maybe you’re not from the United States. Or he was the kind of kid who watched “Meet the Press” on Sunday. Or maybe you just prefer pickleball. We got you covered. You’ve come to the right place to learn all about this year’s Super Bowl without the tears or embarrassment.
Exceptional! When is the game and who is playing?
The Super Bowl is the final game of the National Football League season, the mammoth league with a $100 billion television contract and teams each worth $5 billion or more. This year, the San Francisco 49ers will take on the Kansas City Chiefs in Las Vegas on Sunday starting just after 6:30 p.m. Eastern on CBS, although pregame coverage begins at 2 p.m.
Leaders? This would not be a reference to…
Yes, Native Americans, and that makes some people pretty uncomfortable. The team in Washington D.C. changed its name in 2020 because of an anti-Native American slur. First they were simply called the Football Team and now they are Commanders.
Give me some memorable moments from the Super Bowl.
There are so many to choose from. In Super Bowl III in 1969, Joe Namath predicted his New York Jets would beat the heavily favored Baltimore Colts and then backed up his boast with a win.
To promote their appearance in Super Bowl XX in 1986, members of the Chicago Bears made a terrible pop video, “The Super Bowl Shuffle,” and then won anyway, by a record margin. The New York Giants upset the undefeated New England Patriots when a player caught the ball by trapping it in his helmet (XLII, 2008).
The game was never cancelled, but has been interrupted for half an hour due to a blackout (XLVII, 2013).
There have been memorable performances of the Super Bowl national anthem (Whitney Houston, XXV, 1991) and halftime shows, including one with a “wardrobe malfunction” (Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson, XXXVIII, 2004) that was the subject of a New York Times Documentary.
Who still uses roman numerals?
The NFL does, except in 2016 when they called it Super Bowl 50 because Super Bowl L seemed a little silly. This year’s game is the absolutely, positively stupid Super Bowl LVIII.
Can you quickly explain the rules of soccer?
OK, but we’re going to oversimplify.
There are 11 players on a side, but the starting player is the fourth player. He takes the long ball at the start of each play and either hands it to a player who tries to run with it or throws it down the field for the receiver to catch. Teams have four attempts, or “downs,” to advance the ball at least 10 yards (9.1 meters, but don’t catch them saying that when surrounded by football fans).
The other team will try to prevent them from doing so, a process that often ends with one or more players grabbing the player with the ball and hurling him to the ground.
Sometimes a player will do something wrong (a “penalty”) and the referee will signal it by throwing something that looks like a yellow collar (the announcers will say “a flag is on the field”).
The field is 100 yards long and a team that clears that point (the “end zone”) gets 6 points (a “touchdown”, very, very good) and 1 more if they can kick a ball through some big metal posts (the “goal posts”) thereafter. There are other ways to score, but we promised to keep it simple.
Sorry, football fans, the game cannot end in a draw. If this happens, the teams play “overtime” until a winner is determined.
Wait, why is this sport called soccer? The legs seem secondary. And is a “ball” really an elongated spheroid?
Surprisingly, you are not the first person to make these observations. A funny joke says that the game should really be called “hand egg”.
American football evolved from “rugby football” in the late 19th century. The transition came in 1906 when teams started passing the ball forward rather than just backwards. The NFL was founded in the 1920s and began its Super Bowl championship game in 1967 after a merger with a smaller upstart, the American Football League.
There are many variations of soccer around the world. What Americans call soccer is football or soccer in much of the rest of the world. Canadian football is similar to the American game, but teams can gracefully win a “blush”, worth 1 point. Australian football involves men with minimal investment who pass the ball by punching it with their fists.
Which players should you look out for on Sunday?
The quarterback for Kansas City is Patrick Mahomes and San Francisco’s Brock Purdy. You’ll see a lot of them whether you’re looking for them or not.
On defense, look for Kansas City’s Chris Jones (if healthy) to terrorize Purdy and the 49ers’ Nick Bosa to do the same against Mahomes.
And the key man to give Mahomes the ball will be…
The one who dates Taylor Swift?
You have it. Kansas City’s Travis Kelce, perhaps the best player at his position, has raised his profile even further by starting a relationship with global music superstar Taylor Swift. She’s attended many of his games, leading some purists to grumble that her shots in the luxury box overshadow the game, though a closer look reveals that her overall screen time is actually quite limited.
Give me a slightly sophisticated “take” to say during the action.
On fourth down, yell at the team with the ball to try a play (“go for it”), instead of kicking the ball away or trying for a field goal. Fans have always loved this offensive strategy and the game is getting closer. While coaches used to kick even when they were inches away from a first down, now they are much more willing to try for yards.
When in doubt, say “the game is won in the trenches.” Or “edge rusher” or “Tampa 2” or “Jet sweep”. Your soccer-loving friends will nod sagely.
Can I bet on it?
No one knows exactly how much money is wagered on the Super Bowl, but it’s a lot — more than $10 billion, according to estimates, much of it illegal. The most common way to bet is through point spread (San Francisco is a 2 point favorite, meaning they have to win by at least 3 points for punters backing them to cash in).
But you can also bet on almost anything related to the game: how many yards a certain player will gain, who will win the coin toss, or which song Usher will sing first at the halftime show.
The game lasts for hours. I think I’ll take a break during the commercials.
Do not do it. Advertisers spend a fortune to get a spot on the Super Bowl and then another fortune to create new, funny and memorable ads for the occasion. Especially if the game is a breakout, the ads can be the main talking point of the next day.
I have heard that the sport has a dark side.
Unfortunately yes. The size of the players and the ferocity of their strikes means that there is always the possibility of serious injury. Even worse, players who take repeated hits to the head are at risk of developing CTE, a degenerative brain disease.
Players who take hits to the head now must leave the field and be evaluated for a concussion.
More and more fans are tempering their enjoyment of the sport with the sober knowledge that the players who entertain us on the field are in grave danger.
Now all I need is a funny thing to say to the people at the Super Bowl party I just spontaneously decided to throw.
During the game, Internet searches for “Super Bowl” skyrocket. But so are searches for “awesome owl,” as fans typing quickly put the space in the wrong place.
