If you’re on the dating scene in 2024, you’ve probably accumulated a certain amount of clutter. Maybe it’s an outdated online profile that you can’t bring yourself to update, or a match that you keep messaging even though you don’t see a future together. Maybe you’re still haunted by someone who ghosted you.
These forms of romantic accumulation are symptomatic of an app-based dating culture in which people are conditioned to constantly scan and search for new prospects, even though “that’s not necessarily the best thing for your mental health,” said Nick Fager, Licensed Mental Health. consultant who sees clients in New York and California.
“Every one of those people you match with, start conversations with, takes up a little bit of mental space,” he said. “You can only take on so many new relationships before you start to feel burned out.”
Mr. Fager and other mental health and dating experts shared strategies that can help restore your dating life and bring a renewed sense of clarity and calm.
Think about what you really want.
If your love life is messy and confusing, take some time to identify your goals, said Samantha Burns, a licensed mental health counselor and dating coach in Boston. Are you on the rebound and just looking to have fun? Looking for a long term partner?
“A messy dating life is chaotic,” she said. “You seem to have no real context for your dating decisions.”
Lamont White, a professional coach and dating coach in Atlanta, said it can help to look back on past relationships and past dates and note what you liked or felt was missing. He takes a hard line on dates if you can’t clearly articulate what you want. “People who don’t date on purpose should be left out of the dating pool,” Mr White said.
Therapy can also be a helpful resource “for people in the dating scene to really, really, really gain self-awareness,” said Lisa Blum, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California. This may mean unpacking childhood experiences and past relationships with a professional. “You have to ‘fix your selector’ so you don’t invite into relationships that really don’t serve you,” she said.
Set limits on apps.
Dating clutter, like all electronic debris, can easily find its way onto your phone. There are no hard and fast rules, experts said, but Mr White advises using no more than two dating apps at a time to avoid overwhelm.
Ms. Burns recommends communicating with no more than three to five people at a time — and making a mental commitment to message anyone you swipe right on. This helps ensure that swiping isn’t a “careless process” or for a temporary “ego boost,” he said. It can also help to set a time limit for scanning and communicating with matches, such as 20 minutes a day, he said — and delete contacts or chats that have stopped.
If you feel any kind of connection to a match, try to move your interactions offline as quickly as possible, Mr. Fager said. Recognize how daunting and time-consuming it can be to go on a date or even call someone, but endless texting also takes a lot of time and mental effort.
“I think you better save your energy for that meeting,” Mr. Fager said. That way, he added, you’re not projecting your romantic hopes on “30 different” inappropriate matches.
Beware of ghosts.
Mr. Fager knows that there are times when ghosting may be necessary, since the matches can sometimes be dishonest or even dangerous. But closing the circle, when you can, can be restorative for both, he said.
“I completely understand the urge to ghost. I have,” Mr. Fager admitted. “But I think people don’t realize how much that leads to things like burnout.”
Lack of closure can be emotionally draining on all sides.
Keep it simple, he said. Instead of pulling an online chat or getting stuck in a “situation” that goes nowhere, you can say something like “this doesn’t feel like a match,” Mr. Fager said, or even just “bye.”
Listen to your gut.
There are often times in the early stages of getting to know someone that can provide a glimpse into how they’ll treat you later, Dr. Blum said. Paying attention to them can help provide clarity, he said.
Dr. Bloom gave the example of a friend who had a promising conversation with a man she met at a restaurant. But on their first date, he insisted on taking her to a seafood restaurant, even though she told him she was a vegetarian. He proceeded to order a giant seafood tower, while she chose the only salad on the menu.
“We tend to make excuses and try to explain away behavior,” observed Dr. Bloom. Don’t get your hopes up in a race that starts off on the wrong foot, he said: “That’s part of the mess from the start.”
