In Scott Walker’s 15 years as a kidnap negotiator, he learned how to get his message across quickly, calmly and effectively.
“If I messed up, people could die,” said Walker, a former Scotland Yard detective who has helped solve hundreds of cases. And those high stakes, he said, “tended to focus the mind a little bit.”
While asking for a raise, imposing a curfew on your teenager, or arranging a visit from the in-laws may not be as intense, tough conversations can be dread-inducing. All successful negotiations require preparation, said Walker, author of the new book “Order Out of Chaos.”
“Negotiation,” he added, “is just a conversation with a purpose.”
Walker shared his best strategies for reaching a compromise in high-stress situations.
Click on the “red center”.
First, determine what Walker’s crisis team called the red center. In cases of kidnapping, it is a physical command center, but in day-to-day negotiations, it is a state of mind.
Tremors and fears can be contagious, Walker said. He writes in his book that he makes sure he arrives in every situation “grounded, energized and focused, with a flexible mind.” Before your conversations, practice deep breathing or anything else that makes you feel focused.
And before you negotiate or have a tough conversation, he said, ask yourself this clarifying question: What am I most afraid of losing in this situation? Is it freedom, fame, money, power?
Getting straight to what you fear most, however painful, will increase self-awareness and help you manage any surprising emotions that could derail your conversations, such as frustration, jealousy or anger.
Pay attention to your tone.
“You always want to approach a negotiation in a friendly, calm manner,” Walker said, because the way you speak can make or break a deal.
He prefers to talk face-to-face, via phone or video, rather than via email or text, which can be easily misinterpreted, he said.
She also found that smiling, even if you’re on the phone, can help keep your tone friendly.
Don’t rush to fill every silence, Walker writes in his book. He keeps a stress ball on his desk emblazoned with the acronym WAIT — which stands for Why Am I (Still) Talking? – as a reminder.
If you’re dealing with someone who’s difficult, Walker suggested reframing that person in your mind as a “worthy adversary” to help you get into a more positive mindset.
Clarity is power.
When negotiating, we are often driven by the need to control, which is wrong, Walker said. So leave your ego at the door, he said. To gain another person’s cooperation, you must first understand that person’s point of view, beliefs and values by being curious and empathetic, Walker said. Unless the person really feels understood, “there’s always going to be a little pushback.”
Ask open-ended questions and reflect on the person’s answers, Walker said. He recommended using phrases like “Tell me about…” or “What needs to happen in order for…”
“Curiosity without shame, blame and judgment isn’t easy, but it’s a negotiating superpower,” Walker said. “We can’t influence someone if we don’t know what is already influencing them.”
If negotiations stall, ask yourself these questions.
The ultimate goal is to reach an agreement. But if things stall, Walker takes a quick break and asks himself a few questions.
They include: What can I or can’t I control right now? What am I not seeing here? And what opportunity am I missing? These questions, he said, shift our attention from what went wrong to what still has the potential to go right. Then, it goes back in there.
While Walker has had success negotiating with violent criminals, his two teenagers can still throw him off balance. “They know every trick in the book,” he said.
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